Inherent Difficulties in Blended Families and Some Tips

This week, I learned about challenges that blended families typically encounter. The difficulties that I mention are not comprehensive. I also learned why these challenges occur, as well as some tips for getting through them. 

One of the possibly obvious challenges is that in a blended family, there aren't just two parents working together to have a family; there is typically one previous spouse that they have to work with for such things as child visitation. Even though a divorce may have occurred, one spouse may not feel fully "emotionally divorced" from the previous spouse, which can be distressing to the person that is still attached, and it can feel threatening to the new spouse. Another one is that, during the time between divorce or death and remarriage, the single parent and children may have drawn quite close. It can be difficult for the new spouse to have a place in that relationship and family. There is an unavoidable transition time. 

During the single parent phase, extended family may have stepped in to help, and will also need to transition to a more distant relationship (not as involved). Also, sometimes the new marriage is not accepted or supported by the extended family. 

There is also a learning and growing that needs to happen as the two adults/families try to merge different life and teaching styles. Something that I hadn't really thought about is the fact that holidays and other milestones may be painful reminders of what was lost, and not just a time to celebrate. 

There are also many hardships on the children. They often don't have a part in the breaking up of a marriage and the formation of a new one. They often mourn what was lost and struggle adjusting in many ways. It may not be clear what their role will be in the new family. A child may also feel pressured to choose one parent over the other, and they may feel guilty for picking one parent over the other(s). They may have to act as a messenger between parents. There is much instability and uncertainty in the outset of a new marriage and family.

There are some guidelines and suggestions for blended families. As usual, I have forgotten the name of the people that came up with these guidelines (my apologies). It was some Jewish science something in New York (the religion didn't factor into this). One was for the spouses and family to understand and accept that it will take at least two years for them to reach a sense of normalcy in their new family structure. That may seem like a long time, but it is important to cycle through the seasons, holidays, school years, etc.

They also recommend that the birth parent handle all of the heavy discipline. A large reason for this is that children take a while to accept the new parent, let alone listen to them. Another guideline is that the new parent should play a role similar in many ways to a fantastic aunt or uncle. This includes such things as being loving (with some distance), very friendly, very consistent with parental rules and culture. Other actions include reinforcing what the parent says, providing warmth, being a good role model, and asking questions such as "what's going on in your life?" or "how did that thing work out?" to stay involved in the children's lives.

I am lucky to still live in a nuclear family. My parents were going to get divorced a couple of times, and that was really stressful as a kid. We would have had to move to a different house and maybe a different school. I wasn't sure how much I would see my dad. My mom would have probably needed to get a job. Though it never happened, I remember the stress. Even though I've never been part of a blended family, I can imagine the stress and the hardships. I hope the above guidelines can help someone in their family.

Needs of Children and Everyone Else

This week, I learned some great things about parenting. I learned some of the needs of children specifically and people in general. I learned how children are likely to act if these needs are not met, as well as how parents meet those needs.

Children do better if parents raise them with high levels of consistency and warmth. It turns out that the level of strictness in the home is not an indicator of success. Consistency includes a stable marriage, and a matching of words, tone, and actions. Warmth includes frequent physical contact and expressions of love.

I learned about five needs of children. I regret that I do not know who made this list originally. The five needs are as follows: contact/belonging, power, protection from harm, taking breaks/withdrawing, and challenge. All of these needs apply to everyone throughout their life.

The first is having contact and belonging. Contact includes physical touch, eye contact, and conversation. As a parent, to best help your child, you need to offer contact freely. Children who do not receive the necessary amount of contact suffer developmentally. When a child's need for contact is not met, they will seek it elsewhere through undue attention seeking. They may become unruly or violent to gain the contact that they need. When it comes to belonging, children need to be able to contribute to the family. Teach them to help out through chores and other tasks. When you join a team, you don't feel like you belong if you are unable to participate; the same happens in families. Help your child feel that they belong by allowing them to contribute-even if you could do any given task better and faster.

The next need is to have power, which means to have the ability to influence their own environment. Give your children responsibilities (response-ability). Give them age appropriate choices. When giving them choices, allow them to experience the natural consequences if it is safe to do so. Children who feel that they do not have power over their own life are likely to rebel and to try to control others.

The third need is protection from harm. The first step is to provide safety in your own home, but protection from harm also includes what can come from outside of the home. You need to teach your children to be assertive and to use "I feel" statements. But since you can't protect your children from every harm and hurt, you also need to teach them how to forgive. If children don't learn to forgive and let go, they may turn to getting revenge, which often turns into a painful cycle. When teaching forgiveness, it is important to model how to do it by doing it with them and with your spouse.

The fourth need is being able to take breaks from tasks and withdrawing as needed. This is something else you can model for them-taking breaks during a task, and then going back to it. Sometimes, children need time to reset and recharge. If children are not taught to take breaks, they may turn to what is called undue avoidance. This includes procrastination.

Last but not least, children have the need to be challenged. You can challenge them by having them learn new skills. You don't need to create meaningless challenges; there are plenty of challenging things to learn to do around the house and in daily life. Building skills will help your children through out life. If children are not challenged enough, they may turn to undue risk taking (including more than the normal amount of risk taking associated with adolescence).

I hope knowing these needs will help parents meet the needs of their children, and help people meet needs that they find lacking in their own life.