This week, I learned about challenges that blended families typically encounter. The difficulties that I mention are not comprehensive. I also learned why these challenges occur, as well as some tips for getting through them.
One of the possibly obvious challenges is that in a blended family, there aren't just two parents working together to have a family; there is typically one previous spouse that they have to work with for such things as child visitation. Even though a divorce may have occurred, one spouse may not feel fully "emotionally divorced" from the previous spouse, which can be distressing to the person that is still attached, and it can feel threatening to the new spouse. Another one is that, during the time between divorce or death and remarriage, the single parent and children may have drawn quite close. It can be difficult for the new spouse to have a place in that relationship and family. There is an unavoidable transition time.
During the single parent phase, extended family may have stepped in to help, and will also need to transition to a more distant relationship (not as involved). Also, sometimes the new marriage is not accepted or supported by the extended family.
There is also a learning and growing that needs to happen as the two adults/families try to merge different life and teaching styles. Something that I hadn't really thought about is the fact that holidays and other milestones may be painful reminders of what was lost, and not just a time to celebrate.
There are also many hardships on the children. They often don't have a part in the breaking up of a marriage and the formation of a new one. They often mourn what was lost and struggle adjusting in many ways. It may not be clear what their role will be in the new family. A child may also feel pressured to choose one parent over the other, and they may feel guilty for picking one parent over the other(s). They may have to act as a messenger between parents. There is much instability and uncertainty in the outset of a new marriage and family.
There are some guidelines and suggestions for blended families. As usual, I have forgotten the name of the people that came up with these guidelines (my apologies). It was some Jewish science something in New York (the religion didn't factor into this). One was for the spouses and family to understand and accept that it will take at least two years for them to reach a sense of normalcy in their new family structure. That may seem like a long time, but it is important to cycle through the seasons, holidays, school years, etc.
They also recommend that the birth parent handle all of the heavy discipline. A large reason for this is that children take a while to accept the new parent, let alone listen to them. Another guideline is that the new parent should play a role similar in many ways to a fantastic aunt or uncle. This includes such things as being loving (with some distance), very friendly, very consistent with parental rules and culture. Other actions include reinforcing what the parent says, providing warmth, being a good role model, and asking questions such as "what's going on in your life?" or "how did that thing work out?" to stay involved in the children's lives.
I am lucky to still live in a nuclear family. My parents were going to get divorced a couple of times, and that was really stressful as a kid. We would have had to move to a different house and maybe a different school. I wasn't sure how much I would see my dad. My mom would have probably needed to get a job. Though it never happened, I remember the stress. Even though I've never been part of a blended family, I can imagine the stress and the hardships. I hope the above guidelines can help someone in their family.
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