Tips for Dating and Relationships Part 2

In continuing what I learned about dating and relationships, I will talk about what it takes to get to know someone. I will also explain something called the Relationship Attachment Model, or RAM, which I found particularly helpful.

There's something called the "Know" Quo, and I regret to say that I can't the name of the guy who designed it. It has three parts - the three t's: Time, Talk, and Togetherness, in no particular order. For time, he said that it takes at least 3 months to begin to get to know someone. He also said, based on research, that you are more likely to stay married if you date who you marry for more than 1 year, but less than 2. This rings true for me. Even in friendships, if you want a good, strong friendship, I found that it took a few months for me to feel like I was getting to know them. Otherwise, they are often just a nice person that you know the name of, maybe something that they like, and other small things. I have yet to date for marriage, but even before learning this, I was wanting to date someone for a year to really get to know them. How are they in each season? Were they hiding bits of themselves for the first few months? It also gives you enough time to be able to have the deep and important conversations about topics such as children and finances.

Secondly, talk. The most important part of talking, besides the conversations just mentioned, is mutual self-disclosure. This is the ability to be open and vulnerable in the relationship. This helps build trust and understanding. Lastly, togetherness. This includes having a wide range of shared experiences. This helps build the friendship and aids in closeness. You also get to see how both the other person, and yourself, act in different situations. Are you guys able to handle difficult situations together? Everything in the "Know" Quo is important, as the name suggests, for really getting to know the person you are dating for marriage. Again, I can attest to the truth of these principles. In my close friendships, we got closer by having deep, vulnerable conversations and having several shared experiences.

The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) has five parts that should be pictured as being on sliders (picture type of sliders in a sound booth). It goes in this order: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. I will just touch on the basics. The more you know a person, the more you can trust them. The more you can trust them, the more you can rely on them, and the same with relying and committing. In any relationship, both romantic and otherwise, you shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, rely on them more than you trust them, and so on. Things get confused in romantic relationships, however, when you add in touch. We tend to want to touch the person we are dating, from holding hands to intercourse. Being physical releases hormones that mess with our reasoning. We will feel disproportionately attached to someone we touch a lot but don't have a great relationship with. The RAM was designed by John Van Epp, and he says that we shouldn't touch a person more than we can commit to them. So, if you can imagine the sliders, you can see that touch would be quite low when you only half know a person, because each slider should be lower than the last. When I say should, I mean for safety and security in the relationship and for each person. The model is to help us to form strong relationships without becoming confused by the addition of too much touch too soon.

I really liked learning about the RAM. It really appeals to my sense of logic, and it lines up with my personal experiences. I personally really have to know a person before I feel like I can truly trust them. I only rely on and commit to those that I trust. I also know that touch confuses things. I think this model should be spread so that people can make more educated choices in their relationships. I understand that they might still decide to be physical; it's a very natural urge. I personally like the model because it helps describe what I have learned and experienced in my personal relationships, romantic and otherwise. I hope these principles in the "Know" Quo and in the RAM help you get to know people and help you make wise choices in your relationships.