Marriage and the Wedding

This week, I learned more about what makes a marriage work. I considered what needs to be communicated before and after the wedding. I thought about the issues that couples tend to face when they first get married. I also learned some of what can help a couple avoid growing apart with the addition of a child to the family.

I learned this week that the age at which you marry can have an effect on your marriage. If you marry before you are 25, you'll have a slightly higher satisfaction in marriage. If you marry after age 30, you have a higher chance of divorce. Marrying as a teenager has more issues than other marriages, inherent to their position in life and their maturity. Having more money at the beginning of your marriage and feeling financially stable before you get married doesn't guarantee that you will have a better marriage. In fact, working through hard times with your spouse when you don't have much money can bring you closer together.

When you are dating someone and you are both considering marriage, it is extremely helpful to discuss several essential topics. Some of these topics might be: what insurance will you use, what temperature do you like to keep the thermostat at, how do you celebrate holidays, how will chores be divided, who will be working, do you plan to have kids - if so, when and how many, where will you live, how will you budget, are you working towards an education, etc. These topics can definitely be discussed in the early stages of marriage, but the point is to avoid conflict. When you marry someone, you are combining two different lifestyles, experiences, and expectations. Make sure to express your expectations, and not just assume that your partner knows them. When you get married, and maybe even before, you will need to practice resolving conflict with the person that you marry.

Something that I learned about that I hadn't thought about before is how boundaries change once you get married. You form a boundary around you and your spouse, because now you are a unit, and you are committed to each other. I knew and understood this, but what I hadn't considered is how your boundaries with your friends ought to change. What you used to share with your friends you should now be sharing with your spouse. If you go to your friends with your marital problems, that can create a boundary between you and your spouse. It should be the two of you working things out. 

I learned that typically, in the United States at least, marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child. It doesn't go away, it's just lower, and then it often starts to go back up as children leave. This made me sad, but I learned a few ways that can help a couple avoid this phenomenon. The main thing is to make having and raising a child a joint endeavor. Both people will have more work to do with a new child, and that can put stress on a marriage. Often, it is just the mother that is experiencing the pregnancy and many of the early steps in raising the child. If the mother gives the father a chance to experience that with her, like taking him along to doctor's visits and explaining how it feels when the baby kicks, he can feel like he is a part of the journey. If the father helps take care of the baby with changing, and eventually feeding, that gives him a chance to bond with his baby. Spouses can actually draw closer during this time. They can share their hopes and fears about having a child. Typically, the two adults agree on more things after the birth of a child, but the husband often perceives their views as actually being more different. Then he might pull away, which confuses the wife, and conflict arises. Open communication and love is crucial.

Something I really enjoyed exploring this week is how simple a wedding can actually be. The average price of a wedding in the United States right now is $28,000. That's a lot! 7 years ago, the research showed that for every $100 spent on a wedding over $2500, marital success went down. I totally understand that a wedding is an important and special event. When it's really formal and grand though, people might not be able to enjoy themselves as much. If it's more personal, people can have a better time just being with those that they love and enjoy. I hope to have a fun, open reception where people can mingle and have a good time, as well as celebrating the formation of a new family.