Inherent Difficulties in Blended Families and Some Tips

This week, I learned about challenges that blended families typically encounter. The difficulties that I mention are not comprehensive. I also learned why these challenges occur, as well as some tips for getting through them. 

One of the possibly obvious challenges is that in a blended family, there aren't just two parents working together to have a family; there is typically one previous spouse that they have to work with for such things as child visitation. Even though a divorce may have occurred, one spouse may not feel fully "emotionally divorced" from the previous spouse, which can be distressing to the person that is still attached, and it can feel threatening to the new spouse. Another one is that, during the time between divorce or death and remarriage, the single parent and children may have drawn quite close. It can be difficult for the new spouse to have a place in that relationship and family. There is an unavoidable transition time. 

During the single parent phase, extended family may have stepped in to help, and will also need to transition to a more distant relationship (not as involved). Also, sometimes the new marriage is not accepted or supported by the extended family. 

There is also a learning and growing that needs to happen as the two adults/families try to merge different life and teaching styles. Something that I hadn't really thought about is the fact that holidays and other milestones may be painful reminders of what was lost, and not just a time to celebrate. 

There are also many hardships on the children. They often don't have a part in the breaking up of a marriage and the formation of a new one. They often mourn what was lost and struggle adjusting in many ways. It may not be clear what their role will be in the new family. A child may also feel pressured to choose one parent over the other, and they may feel guilty for picking one parent over the other(s). They may have to act as a messenger between parents. There is much instability and uncertainty in the outset of a new marriage and family.

There are some guidelines and suggestions for blended families. As usual, I have forgotten the name of the people that came up with these guidelines (my apologies). It was some Jewish science something in New York (the religion didn't factor into this). One was for the spouses and family to understand and accept that it will take at least two years for them to reach a sense of normalcy in their new family structure. That may seem like a long time, but it is important to cycle through the seasons, holidays, school years, etc.

They also recommend that the birth parent handle all of the heavy discipline. A large reason for this is that children take a while to accept the new parent, let alone listen to them. Another guideline is that the new parent should play a role similar in many ways to a fantastic aunt or uncle. This includes such things as being loving (with some distance), very friendly, very consistent with parental rules and culture. Other actions include reinforcing what the parent says, providing warmth, being a good role model, and asking questions such as "what's going on in your life?" or "how did that thing work out?" to stay involved in the children's lives.

I am lucky to still live in a nuclear family. My parents were going to get divorced a couple of times, and that was really stressful as a kid. We would have had to move to a different house and maybe a different school. I wasn't sure how much I would see my dad. My mom would have probably needed to get a job. Though it never happened, I remember the stress. Even though I've never been part of a blended family, I can imagine the stress and the hardships. I hope the above guidelines can help someone in their family.

Needs of Children and Everyone Else

This week, I learned some great things about parenting. I learned some of the needs of children specifically and people in general. I learned how children are likely to act if these needs are not met, as well as how parents meet those needs.

Children do better if parents raise them with high levels of consistency and warmth. It turns out that the level of strictness in the home is not an indicator of success. Consistency includes a stable marriage, and a matching of words, tone, and actions. Warmth includes frequent physical contact and expressions of love.

I learned about five needs of children. I regret that I do not know who made this list originally. The five needs are as follows: contact/belonging, power, protection from harm, taking breaks/withdrawing, and challenge. All of these needs apply to everyone throughout their life.

The first is having contact and belonging. Contact includes physical touch, eye contact, and conversation. As a parent, to best help your child, you need to offer contact freely. Children who do not receive the necessary amount of contact suffer developmentally. When a child's need for contact is not met, they will seek it elsewhere through undue attention seeking. They may become unruly or violent to gain the contact that they need. When it comes to belonging, children need to be able to contribute to the family. Teach them to help out through chores and other tasks. When you join a team, you don't feel like you belong if you are unable to participate; the same happens in families. Help your child feel that they belong by allowing them to contribute-even if you could do any given task better and faster.

The next need is to have power, which means to have the ability to influence their own environment. Give your children responsibilities (response-ability). Give them age appropriate choices. When giving them choices, allow them to experience the natural consequences if it is safe to do so. Children who feel that they do not have power over their own life are likely to rebel and to try to control others.

The third need is protection from harm. The first step is to provide safety in your own home, but protection from harm also includes what can come from outside of the home. You need to teach your children to be assertive and to use "I feel" statements. But since you can't protect your children from every harm and hurt, you also need to teach them how to forgive. If children don't learn to forgive and let go, they may turn to getting revenge, which often turns into a painful cycle. When teaching forgiveness, it is important to model how to do it by doing it with them and with your spouse.

The fourth need is being able to take breaks from tasks and withdrawing as needed. This is something else you can model for them-taking breaks during a task, and then going back to it. Sometimes, children need time to reset and recharge. If children are not taught to take breaks, they may turn to what is called undue avoidance. This includes procrastination.

Last but not least, children have the need to be challenged. You can challenge them by having them learn new skills. You don't need to create meaningless challenges; there are plenty of challenging things to learn to do around the house and in daily life. Building skills will help your children through out life. If children are not challenged enough, they may turn to undue risk taking (including more than the normal amount of risk taking associated with adolescence).

I hope knowing these needs will help parents meet the needs of their children, and help people meet needs that they find lacking in their own life.

Fathers, Family Work, and Budgeting

This week, I learned a bit about the importance of children having a father. I also learned about the benefits of family work. Finally, I learned about finances and the importance of managing your money. I already knew the importance of finance and budgeting, but I really enjoyed talking about it again. 

There has been a debate about whether or not fathers are important or desirable. The research strongly shows that they are important to their children in some specific ways. Fathers are great for teaching their sons how to behave, especially in the way of using their testosterone and related actions productively and acceptably. Data show that sons without fathers have a stronger tendency toward violence. For their daughters, fathers are important in reinforcing their self-worth. Daughters raised without a father are more likely to be promiscuous, and struggle with depression and self-harm. These outcomes alone show important roles that research shows only fathers can play. 

I also learned about the benefits of family work and how family work has changed throughout the course of human history. Before the Industrial Revolution, many people farmed and worked together to support the family. Family members worked alongside each other, allowing them to learn skills and to bond. When everyone does a repetitive task, there is room for conversation. Now, earning the family income tends to be outside of the home, with one parent gone. This means that the other parent typically has to do more around the house, and the kids don't often help as much to support the family. Having a parent gone most of the time also means that the children lose a role model. These deficits can be overcome, however. Parents can have their children still do chores together. Families can work on projects together or do service. This is different from when family members play together. Play is often competitive and takes focus on the game. Work is more often cooperative, with members working together and communicating. There are important life lessons and skills to be gained from family work. 

When it comes to money, I really like learning about financing and budgeting. My family struggled with money for years, and budgeting was an invaluable habit that helped my family through our tough times. My parents stopped keeping a budget once we were financially safe. Even though we have enough money now to meet our needs and some of our wants, I feel less secure now in my family about spending money than when I did when we were keeping a budget. I know we are probably fine, but it provides reassurance and comfort to know that we are safe buying what we are buying, and we would only know that because of a budget.

Finances affect most every aspect of family life, even if only indirectly. For me, I have yet to start my own family. I will soon get to decide how I will manage money in my life and create good habits that I will carry into my marriage and work on with my spouse. I think one of the first steps for anyone wanting to change their money habits is to change their attitude about money. Budgeting, spending within your limits, and saving for future expenses takes a great deal of self-control and self-restraint. It's difficult to not buy on impulse. You have to be very deliberate in marking every expense and in matching every dollar coming in and going out. I think it sounds exciting to take control of my money and see what I can do with it. It seems like an excitingly difficult task to learn and conquer.

Strategies for Communicating

This week, I learned about communication and how to do it effectively. I also learned about some inherent difficulties in communicating.

I learned about three steps to communicating with someone. First, we must encode our thoughts and feelings on whatever we are talking about. This means that we must take what is in our head and put it into words. Then we need to choose a medium. This could be social media, talking in person, or some other way. Then the person receiving the message must decode what we sent so that they understand our message. Sometimes, we decode incorrectly, and misunderstand someone who is talking to us. We decode messages by paying attention to three main things: words (14%), tone (35%), and nonverbal cues/body language (51%). Though the numbers vary slightly depending on the source that is looked at, it is obvious that we pay much more attention to tone and body language than we do just to the words that are spoken. This is why miscommunication is so easy on social media - it takes out over 80% of what we use to understand someone. I'm sure we've all experienced times when a person's tone doesn't match the words they are saying. When the message sent between words and tone are at odds, we will most often believe the message sent by the tone.

This week, I also learned about the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication, written by Dr. David Burns. Following these guidelines is unnatural and difficult, but once learned, communication is greatly improved. These guidelines are especially helpful in disagreements. The 1st step is called the disarming technique. Even if you disagree with the argument of the other person, in this step, you find a kernel of truth in what they are saying. You can say, "You are right when you say . . . ". The 2nd step is to show empathy. You relate to either the thoughts or the feelings that the other person is having. You could do this by saying, "I understand that you feel like . . . ". The 3rd step is to inquire. This is when you gently ask questions to better understand where the other person is coming from. "Am I understanding correctly that . . . ?". 4th, use "I feel" statements. I will explain this in the next paragraph. In this step, it's important to be assertive, which is not the same as being aggressive. A metaphor that I heard was that being aggressive is deciding to step on the other person's toes; being assertive is asking them not to step on your toes. David Burns calls the 5th step stroking, like when you are stroking a cat. This is when you show that you respect the other person. Ideally, find something positive to say about the other person. These 5 steps don't necessarily need to happen in this order, but they are all important.

When making "I feel" statements, you need to be conscious of your tone. The "I feel" statement for the steps above can be a simple "I feel this way because of this." When requesting something, there are a couple more steps. It can look like this: "When ______" (specific event), "I feel/felt _______" (emotion), "because ______" (thoughts). "I would like _______" (request). Here is an example: "When you don't take out the trash, I feel upset because it is your assigned chore and I feel like I have to do your chores as well as mine. I would like you to try to remember more often to take out the trash on Tuesdays before the garbage truck comes. Perhaps setting an alarm on your phone would help remind you." This brings me to something important about being defensive.

In an argument, it is really hard to use the 5 steps above, and when we are requesting, we might not do it in the most kind way, because we are defensive and/or angry. When someone accuses us of something, we tend to get defensive and turn it back on them. This gets us nowhere but hurt. A defense in an argument and an attack look and sound very similar. To have an effective argument/discussion, we need to drop our defenses to diffuse the situation. This is very difficult to do. Step 1 in the secrets of effective communication helps with this. Once we are able to see some truth in where the other person is coming from, we can drop our defenses. It is called the disarming technique for a reason. It disarms our defenses, and I think it helps the other person step back, realize they are being heard, and become less defensive themselves.

I really loved learning about these things this week, and I wish you luck in trying these strategies.

Reacting to Stressor Events and Danger

This week, I learned about stressor events that affect individuals and families throughout life. I learned about both effective and ineffective ways of responding to and coping with these events. I learned about the ABCX family crisis model, how stressful events can turn into family crises, and what it takes for a family to pull through a crisis. Finally, I learned how the brain reacts when faced with danger. 

In the ABCX family crisis model, A, B, and C add up to make X. A is the stressor event and the difficulties it brings. B is how the family copes and uses its resources to deal with the event. If a family seeks out help, they are more likely to get through a challenge. Lastly, C is how the family views and defines the situation. If they see it as something catastrophic, they are less likely to get through it. If they view it as something that can strengthen their family, it will be easier for them to handle. X is the outcome; it can either become a crisis, or just something to be overcome. Stressor events turn into crises if it is something the family is unequipped to handle, or even if they just view it as something too difficult to overcome. 

Ineffective ways of coping with a stressor event include denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. These behaviors don't help to resolve anything, and it can cause things to get worse as the issue is allowed to continue. Scapegoating not only does not help the situation, but it also hurts the targeted individual. On the other hand, there are many things that a family can do to pull together and get through a challenging time. Some of these include having good communication between family members, being able to manage conflict well, having family traditions, accepting each family member as they are, and a having a strong commitment to the family. For spouses in particular, some things they can do to stay strong through tough times are go on dates, show expressions of love, and continue family routines. When spouses feel that they need some space and time, that is often when it is most important for them to draw together.

The top 5 most severe family stressors are as follows: the death of a child, the death of a spouse/parent, the separation or divorce of spouse/parent, physical or sexual abuse or violence between family members, and if a family member becomes physically disabled or chronically ill. Another extremely difficult stressor not in the top five is the abuse of drugs and/or alcohol. During any of these events, for a family to get through it and maybe even come out stronger, they need to pull together and decide on ways to make things better. This includes reaching out to family, friends, and the community for help.

In a slightly different vein, I learned about how three main parts of the brain act when things are okay and how they react when danger arises. One part is the frontal lobe, which is in charge of logic, decision making, and creativity. Another part, the limbic system, is over emotions, and controls the brain's automatic responses in the face of danger. Lastly, the brain stem regulates the body's metabolic functions, such as breathing, heart rate, sleep cycles, and digestion. When confronted with danger, the limbic system takes over, and the frontal lobe mostly shuts down. The brain stem increases heart rate and breathing, and it decreases digestion. Your body prepares to protect you, either following the pattern of fight, flight, or freeze. When the body reacts in a similar way to a perceived, but not necessarily real, threat, we tend to refer to it as anxiety. The mind perceives danger, and acts accordingly. This is why thinking and focusing is difficult with anxiety; the frontal lobe is not very active. Depression can occur when the mind perceives that there is no escaping the danger. Understanding this helps us realize how important it is to have control over our thoughts. 

Things to Know About Sex and Affairs

This week, I learned about differences between men and women in the act of sex. I learned why knowing these differences are important and beneficial. I learned about the different types of affairs, what to do to lessen the likelihood of an affair happening, and how to heal a marriage when there's been an affair. I also learned tips on how to teach your children about sex and intimacy. 

When it comes to sex, I learned some things that were interesting to me. The first is that women need to be safe, warm, and close with their partner to want to have sex and be able to be aroused. On the other hand, men tend to have sex in order to feel safe, warm, and close. These feelings are important for both genders, but they tend to achieve them in different ways. Understanding this can help spouses be more loving and aware of what their partner needs. I also learned about the arousal cycles for both genders. The main thing I took away from this is the fact that women take longer to become aroused and orgasm. Men can reach this quite quickly, and if they stop having sex once they have reached the climax, they will leave their wives unsatisfied and their bodies feeling frustrated. In order for intercourse to be a fulfilling act for both spouses, husbands should take care to make sure their wives are able to complete their arousal cycle. For the part of the wives, it's been found that women often need to decide emotionally and psychologically that they will be aroused. People's sex drive tends to peak at ages 18 or 19 for men, and between ages 30 and 35 for women. Understanding this difference can help resolve conflicts of interest in a marriage.

When it comes to affairs, I learned about four types: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual. Fantasy affairs are when you are emotionally connected to someone, without the person knowing, instead of being emotionally attached only to your spouse. Visual tends to refer to pornography. Romantic affairs are being emotionally attached to another person, in-person, and you have a relationship with them. It becomes a sexual affair when you have sex with them. This was interesting for me to learn about, because I hadn't considered the first two kinds to be affairs. But any connection you have with another person that takes you away from complete fidelity to your marriage partner can be an affair of sorts. Every kind is damaging to your relationship. 

There are a few things that you can do to strongly prevent any kind of affair from occurring. The first is to set strong boundaries with those outside of your relationship. Your spouse should be your best friend and your closest confidant, not anyone else. The majority of your time should be dedicated to them and your relationship with them, not to anyone else. This includes close friends and family members. The start of a marriage is the beginning of a new family unit, and to keep that unit safe, you need to set boundaries with other people in your life. In connection to this, you need to be fiercely loyal to your spouse. Another thing you need to do is to control your thoughts. You are always thinking something, so make sure your thoughts are virtuous and not straying to dangerous areas.

I learned a five-step process to repairing marriages after an affair has occurred. The steps are as follows: begin to rebuild trust, gain a better perspective (of how it came about), repentance and forgiveness, overcoming addiction (pornography), and making the choice to stay together. Rebuilding trust can take a long time and requires patience, but it's a necessary and achievable step. Understanding how the affair happened will help the couple strengthen weak points in their relationship. Repentance on the part of the person who had the affair, and forgiveness from the other spouse, are both necessary to moving forward. If pornography is an issue, it needs to be resolved. All of these steps aid in making the choice to stay together and to save the marriage. It's a difficult process, but it can be done.

When teaching your children about intimacy and sex, the main take away I got is to answer their questions as they come. If they ask a question, they want to know the answer. The answer can be simple, but don't beat around the bush. You should use correct terms for anatomy and processes. Teaching can be done simply and without becoming graphic. Also, you can help your children understand intimacy and love by setting a good example for them in your own marriage, because intimacy is so much more than sex.

Marriage and the Wedding

This week, I learned more about what makes a marriage work. I considered what needs to be communicated before and after the wedding. I thought about the issues that couples tend to face when they first get married. I also learned some of what can help a couple avoid growing apart with the addition of a child to the family.

I learned this week that the age at which you marry can have an effect on your marriage. If you marry before you are 25, you'll have a slightly higher satisfaction in marriage. If you marry after age 30, you have a higher chance of divorce. Marrying as a teenager has more issues than other marriages, inherent to their position in life and their maturity. Having more money at the beginning of your marriage and feeling financially stable before you get married doesn't guarantee that you will have a better marriage. In fact, working through hard times with your spouse when you don't have much money can bring you closer together.

When you are dating someone and you are both considering marriage, it is extremely helpful to discuss several essential topics. Some of these topics might be: what insurance will you use, what temperature do you like to keep the thermostat at, how do you celebrate holidays, how will chores be divided, who will be working, do you plan to have kids - if so, when and how many, where will you live, how will you budget, are you working towards an education, etc. These topics can definitely be discussed in the early stages of marriage, but the point is to avoid conflict. When you marry someone, you are combining two different lifestyles, experiences, and expectations. Make sure to express your expectations, and not just assume that your partner knows them. When you get married, and maybe even before, you will need to practice resolving conflict with the person that you marry.

Something that I learned about that I hadn't thought about before is how boundaries change once you get married. You form a boundary around you and your spouse, because now you are a unit, and you are committed to each other. I knew and understood this, but what I hadn't considered is how your boundaries with your friends ought to change. What you used to share with your friends you should now be sharing with your spouse. If you go to your friends with your marital problems, that can create a boundary between you and your spouse. It should be the two of you working things out. 

I learned that typically, in the United States at least, marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child. It doesn't go away, it's just lower, and then it often starts to go back up as children leave. This made me sad, but I learned a few ways that can help a couple avoid this phenomenon. The main thing is to make having and raising a child a joint endeavor. Both people will have more work to do with a new child, and that can put stress on a marriage. Often, it is just the mother that is experiencing the pregnancy and many of the early steps in raising the child. If the mother gives the father a chance to experience that with her, like taking him along to doctor's visits and explaining how it feels when the baby kicks, he can feel like he is a part of the journey. If the father helps take care of the baby with changing, and eventually feeding, that gives him a chance to bond with his baby. Spouses can actually draw closer during this time. They can share their hopes and fears about having a child. Typically, the two adults agree on more things after the birth of a child, but the husband often perceives their views as actually being more different. Then he might pull away, which confuses the wife, and conflict arises. Open communication and love is crucial.

Something I really enjoyed exploring this week is how simple a wedding can actually be. The average price of a wedding in the United States right now is $28,000. That's a lot! 7 years ago, the research showed that for every $100 spent on a wedding over $2500, marital success went down. I totally understand that a wedding is an important and special event. When it's really formal and grand though, people might not be able to enjoy themselves as much. If it's more personal, people can have a better time just being with those that they love and enjoy. I hope to have a fun, open reception where people can mingle and have a good time, as well as celebrating the formation of a new family.