Marriage and the Wedding

This week, I learned more about what makes a marriage work. I considered what needs to be communicated before and after the wedding. I thought about the issues that couples tend to face when they first get married. I also learned some of what can help a couple avoid growing apart with the addition of a child to the family.

I learned this week that the age at which you marry can have an effect on your marriage. If you marry before you are 25, you'll have a slightly higher satisfaction in marriage. If you marry after age 30, you have a higher chance of divorce. Marrying as a teenager has more issues than other marriages, inherent to their position in life and their maturity. Having more money at the beginning of your marriage and feeling financially stable before you get married doesn't guarantee that you will have a better marriage. In fact, working through hard times with your spouse when you don't have much money can bring you closer together.

When you are dating someone and you are both considering marriage, it is extremely helpful to discuss several essential topics. Some of these topics might be: what insurance will you use, what temperature do you like to keep the thermostat at, how do you celebrate holidays, how will chores be divided, who will be working, do you plan to have kids - if so, when and how many, where will you live, how will you budget, are you working towards an education, etc. These topics can definitely be discussed in the early stages of marriage, but the point is to avoid conflict. When you marry someone, you are combining two different lifestyles, experiences, and expectations. Make sure to express your expectations, and not just assume that your partner knows them. When you get married, and maybe even before, you will need to practice resolving conflict with the person that you marry.

Something that I learned about that I hadn't thought about before is how boundaries change once you get married. You form a boundary around you and your spouse, because now you are a unit, and you are committed to each other. I knew and understood this, but what I hadn't considered is how your boundaries with your friends ought to change. What you used to share with your friends you should now be sharing with your spouse. If you go to your friends with your marital problems, that can create a boundary between you and your spouse. It should be the two of you working things out. 

I learned that typically, in the United States at least, marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child. It doesn't go away, it's just lower, and then it often starts to go back up as children leave. This made me sad, but I learned a few ways that can help a couple avoid this phenomenon. The main thing is to make having and raising a child a joint endeavor. Both people will have more work to do with a new child, and that can put stress on a marriage. Often, it is just the mother that is experiencing the pregnancy and many of the early steps in raising the child. If the mother gives the father a chance to experience that with her, like taking him along to doctor's visits and explaining how it feels when the baby kicks, he can feel like he is a part of the journey. If the father helps take care of the baby with changing, and eventually feeding, that gives him a chance to bond with his baby. Spouses can actually draw closer during this time. They can share their hopes and fears about having a child. Typically, the two adults agree on more things after the birth of a child, but the husband often perceives their views as actually being more different. Then he might pull away, which confuses the wife, and conflict arises. Open communication and love is crucial.

Something I really enjoyed exploring this week is how simple a wedding can actually be. The average price of a wedding in the United States right now is $28,000. That's a lot! 7 years ago, the research showed that for every $100 spent on a wedding over $2500, marital success went down. I totally understand that a wedding is an important and special event. When it's really formal and grand though, people might not be able to enjoy themselves as much. If it's more personal, people can have a better time just being with those that they love and enjoy. I hope to have a fun, open reception where people can mingle and have a good time, as well as celebrating the formation of a new family.

Tips for Dating and Relationships Part 2

In continuing what I learned about dating and relationships, I will talk about what it takes to get to know someone. I will also explain something called the Relationship Attachment Model, or RAM, which I found particularly helpful.

There's something called the "Know" Quo, and I regret to say that I can't the name of the guy who designed it. It has three parts - the three t's: Time, Talk, and Togetherness, in no particular order. For time, he said that it takes at least 3 months to begin to get to know someone. He also said, based on research, that you are more likely to stay married if you date who you marry for more than 1 year, but less than 2. This rings true for me. Even in friendships, if you want a good, strong friendship, I found that it took a few months for me to feel like I was getting to know them. Otherwise, they are often just a nice person that you know the name of, maybe something that they like, and other small things. I have yet to date for marriage, but even before learning this, I was wanting to date someone for a year to really get to know them. How are they in each season? Were they hiding bits of themselves for the first few months? It also gives you enough time to be able to have the deep and important conversations about topics such as children and finances.

Secondly, talk. The most important part of talking, besides the conversations just mentioned, is mutual self-disclosure. This is the ability to be open and vulnerable in the relationship. This helps build trust and understanding. Lastly, togetherness. This includes having a wide range of shared experiences. This helps build the friendship and aids in closeness. You also get to see how both the other person, and yourself, act in different situations. Are you guys able to handle difficult situations together? Everything in the "Know" Quo is important, as the name suggests, for really getting to know the person you are dating for marriage. Again, I can attest to the truth of these principles. In my close friendships, we got closer by having deep, vulnerable conversations and having several shared experiences.

The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) has five parts that should be pictured as being on sliders (picture type of sliders in a sound booth). It goes in this order: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. I will just touch on the basics. The more you know a person, the more you can trust them. The more you can trust them, the more you can rely on them, and the same with relying and committing. In any relationship, both romantic and otherwise, you shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, rely on them more than you trust them, and so on. Things get confused in romantic relationships, however, when you add in touch. We tend to want to touch the person we are dating, from holding hands to intercourse. Being physical releases hormones that mess with our reasoning. We will feel disproportionately attached to someone we touch a lot but don't have a great relationship with. The RAM was designed by John Van Epp, and he says that we shouldn't touch a person more than we can commit to them. So, if you can imagine the sliders, you can see that touch would be quite low when you only half know a person, because each slider should be lower than the last. When I say should, I mean for safety and security in the relationship and for each person. The model is to help us to form strong relationships without becoming confused by the addition of too much touch too soon.

I really liked learning about the RAM. It really appeals to my sense of logic, and it lines up with my personal experiences. I personally really have to know a person before I feel like I can truly trust them. I only rely on and commit to those that I trust. I also know that touch confuses things. I think this model should be spread so that people can make more educated choices in their relationships. I understand that they might still decide to be physical; it's a very natural urge. I personally like the model because it helps describe what I have learned and experienced in my personal relationships, romantic and otherwise. I hope these principles in the "Know" Quo and in the RAM help you get to know people and help you make wise choices in your relationships.

Tips for Dating and Relationships Part 1

This week, I learned about the benefits of dating, as well as the harm that comes from current stigmas. I found it interesting and wanted to talk shortly about it. I will talk about what a date should and shouldn't be when you're first starting out. Then I will touch on the matter of cohabiting.

People today often prefer to hang out, rather than committing to going on a date. People might believe that a date needs to be elaborate and expensive, which is scary and difficult, leading to fewer dates. People also think that such a date might suggest that there is some commitment involved, and dates, especially first dates, shouldn't signify lasting commitment. Casual, cheap dates allow for more dates to happen, with little fear of continuing commitment, and helps people get to know other people of the opposite gender. As Elder Oaks put it, a date must follow the three p's: planned ahead, paid for, and paired off. I think this is a really good description. A date isn't something that should be thrown together. It should be deliberate. If you are planning on eventual marriage, you have to get out there and date. It won't just happen. If someone asks you on a date, don't turn them down just because of the short interaction you had with them (unless they are making you uncomfortable or you feel like you are in danger).

Now I will talk about cohabiting. Research has shown that there are 4 main reasons that people cohabit. The largest group is those that are planning to cohabit, and than marry. There are people who aren't sure about the relationship they are in, but they don't want to be alone. There are those that are wanting to marry at some point, but not necessarily to the person that they are cohabiting with currently. And there are those that are simply cohabiting as an alternative to marriage. I will focus on the first group - those that are cohabiting to practice for their eventual marriage. Studies have shown that those who cohabit before they get married are more likely to have lower satisfaction in marriage and they have higher divorce rates than those who don't. Science does not yet know why there are not as many benefits as expected for cohabiting. 

Males and Females ARE Different, and in a Good Way

This week, I learned about differences between males and females that have been confirmed by science. These differences lead to males and females behaving differently, which benefits societies and families. I believe that these differences are divinely appointed. I am very grateful for these differences and would like to share some with you. 

First, females. I have seen many of these differences firsthand in my life, and I'm sure you have too. Females are naturally more social and communicative. When you've gone to a social gathering, have you ever noticed the women chatting and the men happily just sitting? I have. From a young age, females cooperate with others and seek connections. They tend to be better at reading emotions and non-verbal cues. Maybe you've seen a mother understanding what her child needs just from the way they cry, and the father might not be able to tell the difference. They tend to notice more details and remember where things are in relation to other things. Females also have more white matter in their brains, which enables them to make more connections between various things. Perhaps you've been talking to a woman and noticed how they'll jump around between subjects in a way that makes sense to them, but you struggled to follow. These are just a few examples of actions that tend to be specific to women.

Now for some of the behaviors typical of males. I've also seen many of these behaviors in my life. As newborn babies, boys have a stronger startle response than girls. As they grow older, they tend to be more aggressive and competitive with their friends. If you've ever seen little boys playing with each other, you know that they are rough, but they are also friends. That's how they play and bond. Men are naturally stronger than women, not that there aren't strong women. Several of my friends are guys, and I've seen their natural physical strength and how it's greater than mine. Males tend to be better at orienting themselves and where they are based on directions like North and South. They tend to feel a great sense of pride when they are able to provide for their family. I know that my dad feels that providing for and protecting his family is one of his greatest duties. 

Many of these differences and their impacts can be seen in families. Mothers are better at nurturing, and fathers are better at providing, and that is OKAY. I believe that God made us that way. I believe that mothers, when needed or if they desire, should help provide, and I believe that fathers should be a strong part of their children's lives. This is God's order for the family, and I believe that it works best this way. 

Another thing to remember is that not everyone fits these norms, and that is okay as well. Not every girl has every feminine trait, and not every guy has every masculine trait. Girls and boys can have traits that are typical for the other gender, and that is okay and good. It doesn't make you any less your gender. It doesn't invalidate you or lessen your worth as a male or a female. Those qualities are still strengths for you that you can use for good in your life and for helping others. If you are a girl that likes to be competitive and strong, good for you. If you are a boy that likes to be creative and help little kids, good for you. Use your strengths for good, whatever they may be. Please don't forget your worth and your identity. Don't doubt your gender because you act in ways that are outside of the average. Remember that averages leave out multiple other kinds of people, and only account for what happens most.

Culture in Families

This week, I learned about culture and how it relates to the family. When we think of culture, we may think of somewhere in a different country, with people that speak a different language and believe in different gods. It is true that other countries have different cultures, but each family has its own culture as well. The culture in our families impacts the culture of our community, and vice versa. I was challenged this week to view other cultures in a new light, as well as to reflect back on the culture of my family. Now, I would like to give a brief glimpse of some of the family culture that I grew up with, and the culture that I want to form in my future family. 

I was blessed to have both my mother and my father in my home. I was blessed to be raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was blessed with two younger sisters. All of these things have greatly impacted me and my family culture. Growing up with both parents, my dad was able to work to provide for my family, and my mom was free to stay home to raise my sisters and me. Having my mother there to guide my learning as a child greatly blessed my development. Having sisters taught me how to play, share, and work with others, as well as providing me with my first friends. My parents raised me in the gospel, and to live up to its standards. This has impacted me in many ways.

Because of the teachings of the gospel, I am loving and kind. I am honest, hardworking, and dependable. I am a learning and a teacher. I know my purpose in life, and I have a plan. I know my worth as a child of God. I am working toward an eternal marriage and family. I have high standards for my friends and for myself. All of these values are taught by the Church, and I am glad to live by them. 

All of this set my sisters and me up for success. That doesn't mean we didn't have our struggles. My parents struggle with their marriage, which has affected all of us. My dad was gone a lot to provide for us when I was little, so it took some time for me to form a close bond with him. We didn't have much money when I was a child, which has made me fearful for asking for anything. I am afraid of loud noises and anger because of what happened in my household. All the good and bad that has happened in my family has guided what I want for my future family.

A good family culture starts with a good marriage. I am working on myself right now to be a good wife and mother. I will marry a good priesthood holder that will provide for and protect my family. We will raise our children in the gospel. I hope that my husband can go to work, and that I can stay home to raise the kids. I will teach them to love the gospel, Christ, and God, and I will teach them why it is important. I want to help them grow without putting them down. I don't ever want them to doubt that their parents love each other, and that their parents love them. 

I want to teach them the importance of education and working hard. I want to teach them all the good that my mother taught me. I want to teach them to love themselves and to take care of themselves. I want to raise them so that they have strength to be steadfast disciples of Jesus Christ in these latter days.

The Family Systems Theory

This week, I learned about different theories that relate to families and how they work. These theories are not absolute truth, but a useful lens through which to look at family life to perhaps better understand what is happening. The theory that stood out the most to me was the Family Systems Theory. This theory views the family as a unit that is separate from forces around it, and that has its own inner workings. It is not just a bunch of people living together, but the family is a whole entity by itself. In this way, it makes sense that you could get to know each member of a family separately, and still not know how their family life is exactly.

Part of the systems theory is that there are boundaries surrounding the family, and between its members. There can be rigid and closed boundaries, which signify poor relationships and strife. There can be healthy and relatively open boundaries, where people interact well and are happy. There can be boundaries that are invasive, which results more in a lack of a boundary, which is detrimental to the health of the system or its members. If a family has a rigid boundary between it and the outside world, it might not get the help it needs, and family members lose out on valuable experiences. If the family boundary is too open, people can come and go, and there is a lack of security in the family. If the boundary is relatively open, yet firm, families can interact with others while still preserving their own space. Members can experience life outside the family, yet still have a place of safety to retreat to. 

Another part of this theory is the idea of subsystems. A traditional family has a husband, wife, and, eventually, children. Subsystems are groups of members of the family that form and influence the other parts of the family. For example, the adults are often part of a subsystem of spouses, as well as parents. Both have important roles and effects. A subsystem is likely to form is between a mother and a newborn. This subsystem affects the larger system - the whole family. Family members may need to take on different roles during this time to accommodate the mother and baby. Roles are another part of the family system. One person might be the funny one. Another might be the quiet, neglected one. 

Each family has rules. Some are stated out loud, like when curfew is. Many rules, however, are unspoken. A rule might be don't interrupt your parents. Another might be to do your chores happily. When people don't follow the rules, or step out of their normal roles, issues can occur and feedback is given. Negative feedback is given when the family wishes for the actions of someone to return to "normal," whether the normal is healthy or not. Positive feedback is given when a new action is encouraged. This might happen when a therapist is working with a family to resolve issues, and are working with the family members to form new habits. 

The main aspect of Family Systems Theory that I connected with was the idea of circular causality. Many people believe that issues in families come from linear causality, where one event causes an undesirable outcome, and they blame the one event. Circular causality, on the other hand, recognizes that there are many forces at work when something happens. For example, say that a mother came home from work to her toddler. The mother is upset, and accidentally gets angry at the child. She starts to cry and fuss, which further upsets the mother. Now both people are frustrated. If we mentally back up our perspective, we might see that the mother had a tough day at work, and that the child was already going to cry because of hunger. In this way, we see that there are often multiple things happening at once that compounds an issue. At this point, we can realize that nothing will be accomplished by trying to decide who is to blame, and that energy would be better spent on addressing the issue at hand. 

I enjoyed learning about this, because my family tends to think using linear causality, which leads to great frustration. When someone messes up, we get upset and blame them. The person who is being blamed is hurt, because yes they messed up, but we aren't seeing the full picture and are reacting unfairly and without kindness. We don't take the time to see things with a complete perspective. If we did, I think a lot of the anger in my family could be resolved, which is a dear hope of mine.